Credit: Sean McAuliffe
I was working with a woman who was frustrated in her job search. She had been laid off from her job the year before and was still struggling to land another role and build her career. Her biggest obstacle was in interviewing.
In one of our coaching sessions she said, ” I get into interviews for jobs that I’m excited about and qualified for. But they always ask me one question that throws me off and I never recover.”
“What’s the question“, I asked.
“Tell me why you left your last company“.
She said, “When I get that question, I find myself getting angry and flustered. I get so mad that I have a hard time maintaining composure and it just throws me off. I never recover and I’m sure that’s why I’m not getting an offer.”
It was curious to me that she was still getting angry after a year had gone by, so I asked her “tell me about your layoff.”
As she started talking about her layoff she became more animated, flustered, and she physically tensed up. Her energy went negative and anger welled up inside her. It was as if she was reliving the experience (and she was).
I’ve heard of a lot of ways people get laid off and she went through a really bad situation. She was humiliated and treated so poorly that she had every reason to be angry about it.
A whole year had past and just thinking about her layoff still created a huge reaction. I think most of us can relate to this.
When we have unresolved emotions around negative and hurtful experiences, they come back to bite us again and again. This is because we tend to relive the experience and it creates the same negative emotions and bodily reactions. Here is a concept I’ve learned that has made a world of difference in how I think about past hurt: When you think about a past hurt or trauma, your body will produce a response as if the trauma is happening right now.
Our bodies don’t know if a thought is about a current or past event. But if that event was stressful and we have negative thoughts our bodies will gear up for a flight or fight response, kick out corresponding hormones and chemicals, and we are thrown into a highly stressful event.
For my client thinking about her layoff the year before caused a chain reaction in her body. She was reliving the experience and as I said earlier, reliving the experience with our thoughts and emotions create physical responses of stress. She was living in her past and that connection to her past hurt was affecting her future.
What To Do With Anger
In response to her story I asked her this question: “What is an appropriate amount of time to be angry about this?” She looked surprised by the question and answered, “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about that, but every time I think about my layoff, I get angry. I don’t know how to get over it.”
I said, “Is there any thing you can do that is symbolic of letting your anger go? Can you write a letter to your boss and tear it up? Can you sit by a lake and let the anger float away? Can you burn something or smash something? Can you do something that will help release the anger without hurting yourself or someone else?”
She responded, “I got it! I have a sweatshirt that I got at a company picnic a couple of years ago. I’m going to torch it!”
A week later she came to my office and I could immediately sense a lightness and renewed energy about her. She said, “Dennis it was amazing. I called a girlfriend who also got laid off with me, she came to my house, and we had a little ceremony in my back yard fire pit. We said a few choice words about our former boss and then we burned our sweatshirts.”
“How did it work?”
“It’s amazing. The anger is gone!”
My client had been carrying this burden of anger for over a year and in one symbolic gesture she was able to let it go.
How do we let go of our anger when our anger is justified?
I don’t want to minimize that some of you have incredibly justified anger. You’ve been hurt or abused. You’ve been abandoned or ignored. People have failed you both intentionally and unintentionally. You have a right to be angry.
I know it can be hard to let go of anger, but what I’ve also found is that when I hang on to anger I rob myself of joy and peace. My anger does not affect the person or institution that hurt me nearly as much as it hurts me.
Letting go of anger can happen instantly or it can take time. Here are a few ideas I have used and seen others use.
- Counseling or spiritual direction for those hurts and angers that are entrenched as a result of trauma, abuse, or neglect.
- Creating a symbolic ritual where you create a symbol for your anger to help you let it go.
- Meditation to help you detach from the anger and create a new way of thinking and feeling.
- If you are tired of being angry you can just choose to stop being angry (being angry for a long time is exhausting)
- Men’s and Women’s groups to gain support, learn new ways of thinking and living, and have accountability.
Lastly, you can ask yourself this question, “What’s a reasonable amount of time for me to be angry about this?“. I think you’ll find the answer is much shorter than you’d think.