I don’t know if you have noticed (and I’m sure you have) that there is a lot of anger in our world. A contentious election is heating up in the US, there are civil wars and brutal conflicts, and drivers are encountering road rage every day. |
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| What is our anger about? |
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| Anger is an interesting emotion because of the power it wields. Angry people are compelling, intense, and sometimes frightening. Anger is not right or wrong, but what we do with our anger makes all the difference in the world. | ||
| Anger is a natural response that is self-protective and tries to create a safe place for our lives, our inner world, or our values. While Anger is normal, how we process our anger and act out on our anger can either hurt or help us. | ||
| Much of our anger has to do with protecting our sense of safety, belonging, and significance. | ||
| When we encounter people or situations that push against our sense of safety we may lash out in harsh words or actions to protect ourselves. If our sense of belonging is threatened we may get angry for feeling excluded and not valued. If our significance is threatened, then we may get angry because we feel people don’t see our contributions and respect them.
These core needs of safety, belonging, and significance are so ingrained in our being that any perceived threat (real or imagined) can trip an anger response. The problem is that for many of us, the threats we feel are more often imagined, but if we are living with lack of awareness the threats feel real enough. Many of us have encountered angry people in our travels. I’ve had people swear at me, flip me off, and tailgate my car because they didn’t think I was driving fast enough. I’ve seen stranded passengers at the airport unleash a fury of harsh words at the gate agent because a flight was cancelled. I’ve had angry looks and finger gestures because someone thought I took their parking space. These reactions can be so intense that I wonder, “Wow! If they get this angry for this small of an issue, what are they like when a real threat happens?” It’s important to remember that our thinking affects how we feel and how we act. If we are thinking thoughts that are misinterpreting a situation as threatening, our feelings and actions may lead to anger or other emotions. The problem is that our thoughts are not always accurate, but feelings can be so powerful that it feels accurate. Here are some mistaken thoughts I’ve in others (and myself) |
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| That person is more important than I am | ||
| They think they are better than me | ||
| I”m better than they are | ||
| They don’t value me | ||
| They don’t respect me | ||
| No one likes me | ||
| I am not good enough | ||
| The reason these thoughts are often mistaken, is that our ego ( or our inner voice) is primarily a self-protective mechanism. It is not necessarily distinguishing between real or imagined threats, because without awareness it’s a usually a reactive response.
If we feel anger rising within us it’s a good time pause, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves “Why am I angry?”. With a little reflection and time before we express our anger (or after we express it), we’ll start to see patterns of thinking that are leading us astray. We’ll start to see that the threats to our sense of safety, belonging, and significance are more imaginary than real. If we can slow down enough while we are feeling angry we have the ability to see what core need is being threatened and then make adjustments to our response.
There is legitimate anger, though, in response to violence, injustice, and inequity. These threats are real and its affects are damaging both emotionally and physically. There is good reason why people are angry in the face of discrimination, abuse, and war. Whether anger is generated by our inflated ego or through real hardship, it’s important to know how to respond. I have to admit that I don’t know what it’s like to be targeted with inequity or discrimination. In my observations, though, a response of non-violence and forgoing an “eye for an eye” leads to better outcomes for more people over time. It takes a lot of insight to not let your ego take control and lead you into anger. It takes more to forgo violence and retribution in face of real hardship. There is anger than runs deep through years of hurt and mistrust. That anger is often passed from generation to generation unless there is an intervention. It’s not the goal of this post to address this level of complexity. It is my goal that we create an awareness in our lives so that when we are angry we can stop, ask “Why am I angry?” and then choose our response that will protect the needs for safety, belonging, and significance in ourselves and those around us.
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October 12, 2016