Relationship failures. Business failures. Career failures.
Been there and done that.
What about failures in parenting? Failed partnerships? Vocation or educational failures? There are too many failures to mention, but we all know we have failed somewhere in our lives.
The question I have for you (and for myself) is do your failures define you? What I mean by that is do we allow our failures to set our identity? “I’m a divorcee.” “I’m a dropout”. “I’m unemployed”.
Setting our self-worth and identify by our failures is a limiting experience. It limits our ability to see our life in the broader context of all that we do well and all that has gone well. It narrows our view on who we are to external events and actions.
When we allow our failures to define us we go to dark places in our minds. We relive the past over and over and focus on our mistakes. Dark places lead to dark emotions and there is nothing helpful about depression and anxiety.
The inner critic in our minds blames us for being stupid,making bad choices, or for being naive. It focuses our minds on the mistakes, the blunders, and the omissions. The inner critic is not our friend, so don’t treat it like one.
Instead of letting failure define us, what about letting it inform us?
Hidden in every failure is a clue to our next success. We need to let go of the failure, let go of the guilt and shame, and let go of the discouragement. We can instead embrace a learning that will make us stronger and wiser.
Here are a few questions we can ask ourselves when we have a failure, whether it be big or small:
- Why did I fail?
- What would I do differently if I could do it all over?
- What was within my control? What was outside my control?
- What is the key learning I can take from this so I don’t repeat it?
- Who do I need to help me figure this out?
- Was it worth it, even though I failed
I’ve used this strategy to help me understand one of my failures. From 2006 to 2008 I was self-employed. I was an independent consultant and was working hard to build my consulting business. After two years I was breaking even, which is better than losing money, but still not successful. Then the recession hit in 2008 and I decided to fold my business and find a full-time job.
Here’s what I learned from that failure:
- I started my business too early in my career.
- I didn’t have a big enough reputation for what I do
- My network was too small
- I was gaining momentum in late 2007 but the recession hit
- While I liked being self-employed I missed having colleagues
If I were to start my own business in the future I would have a greater chance of success, because I have 14 more years of experience, a bigger reputation for what I do, and my network is huge compared to 2006. (No worries to my employer, I’m happy where I am at.)
Was that failure worth it? I think so. The reality is that the company that I work for was attracted to me because of all the work I did in my own business. While I didn’t make enough money, I still built the skills and experiences that my current employer was looking for. In that sense, it was worth it.
When I was a kid I used to be afraid of failure, so I excluded myself from things that would have been beneficial to me. As I matured I gained more courage to try new things and engage with new people. Some things were successful and some failed, but all of these experiences contribute to who I am today.
I’m a huge believer that nothing in life is wasted. From all experiences, both good and bad, there is something we can learn.
Learning from our failure is one of the ways we become our best selves.